Iam Just Being me…..Not!

August 1, 2008

My life is like a bad Hollywood high school movie, or at least it is when I’m at uni. I’m a completely different person there. I hang out with the elite, infect IAM one of the elite. I’m good at my studies, I’m popular, teachers like me, I’m the Editor of our monthly uni rag “The Fast Forum”, nerds appreciate my technical prowess, Iam in very high demand before and during our exams . Still I’m probably the only guy who goes to the uni dressed in Shalwar Kameez everyday (except on presentation days).In short iam the ultimate Kool dude cum master techie cum pseudo intellectual that ever graced the planet with his presence!

All that is written above is bullshit, masks that I wear to fit in. Well except me being the Editor of our magazine part(I truly love doing that).I’m not what I’m seen as, I hate the elites that I hang out with and I simply can’t stand their discussions about hip hop, labels and gals. I study only to be appreciated by my parents and because I hate being bad at anything! (It’s an ego thing). I have absolutely zero interest in computers apart from them being used as a tool to browse the internet or play games on, yet still I’m studying them and am considered quite good. I help people out in their studies not because of compassion or a personal sense of camaraderie, I do it because than they become indebted to me and would do things for me that I consider a chore like getting my car serviced, reserving a seat for me in class etc. And I wear shalwar kameez NOT out of defiance to our westernized culture as usually perceived but because i simply look better wearing them!

I love listening to Abida Parveen, Jagjit Singh, ghulam Ali. Asad Ammanat Ali Khan and some selected English rock bands such as Pink Floyd, Creed, and Nirvana etc. I love reading poetry by Faiz Sahib, Muneer Niazi, Parveen Shakir and Basir Dehlwi.I LOVE literature Both in Urdu and English, My Favorite writers include Manto Sahab, Ashfaq Ahmad, Mumtaz Mufti, Jeffery Archer, Mario Puzo, John Grisham, Mohsin Hamid, Gabriel Garcia Marquez etc. But I can never tell that to my so called friends. I would be laughed out of the GROUP.

I know what I’m doing is wrong Wrong WRONG!  I’m sick and tired of the quadruple lives I’m living .I want to be me. I want to just say “**** off” to people who I help and start doing some genuine good work. I want to be hated and not liked, I want to be anonymous .I want a group of genuine friends who don’t judge and are just ordinary. I want to be not so selfish. I want to be passionate about my studies, the real zeal to learn. I feel like the devil himself, I want to feel good but only to myself! I JUST WANT TO BE ME!!!! The worst part of it is that I realize what I’m doing is not rite!

So today I resolve to un-selfishnize (yeah I know it’s not a word) myself. Inshallah when the uni opens on the fourth I will be a completely different man.

Sorry for the post guys, I’ve been going through a severe gut checking phase. I needed this, to pour it all out. Will entertain tomorrow! 🙂

May you have Peace.

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4 Responses to “Iam Just Being me…..Not!”

  1. Bindu said

    Interesting.. You want to be just you..! Soul searching dive, you’ve on, ma boy.. and may it last. It is easy to forget the embers stirring, it is easy to forget the need for power, recognition n all that comes with it, but may it last. May the need for common placities and the quest for yourself remain.

    Search more, into what makes you tick, what makes you fulfilled, and what you can identify with..

    Write more, sort out the head and heart talks on paper.

    And while you’re at it, keep the foolish optimism that everything will pass. The good, the bad, the ugly.

  2. shine87 said

    Thank you, iam determined to not forget this time 🙂

  3. Komal Ali said

    I can relate to almost every single thing stated there and i hope your step to be yourself worked out for you (:

    PS: I love Faiz’s poetry…

    Ek tarz-e-taghaaful hai so woh unko mubaarak
    Ek arz-e-tamanna hai so hum karte rahenge

    • shine87 said

      Manzur yeh talkhi yeh sitam hum ko gawaara
      Dam hai to madaawa-e-alam karte rahen gai.

      Its an ongoing process, but I do believe that today I’m much more comfortable being me. I’ve lost some friends due to this and made some new ones.All in all not a bad decision 🙂

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