Chemo

June 2, 2015

My earliest memory of baba is him helping me up a wooden ladder at the age of 3 on 14th August, I wanted to put the Pakistani flag on the roof myself. Ammi was horrified by this brilliant idea but baba backed me, he climbed behind me with one hand on my back for support and to make sure I didn’t fall down. It was an exhilarating experience, I distinctly remember the rush I felt once on top. He helped me wave the flag, as it was too big for me to hold. Both of us tied the flag to a piece of pipe protruding upwards, he showed me how to tie the proper knot that wouldn’t unravel. When it came time to climb down though, I started crying and refused to do it on my own, baba carried me down on his shoulders.

Now that I think about it, the dynamics of our relationship has followed a similar pattern throughout our lives. Me shooting for the stars, baba backing me fully, me messing things up, baba picking up the pieces. He has been and continues to be the best father anyone can ever have or hope for, I have eternally been a lousy son. He deserves better.

Baba starts chemo  tomorrow, I ask Allah to please let me have my baba.

Lol perfect response to Wajahat S Khan’s chicken shit “apology”.

Bitchin' Caustic Ruminations

So, I recently came across this NAUSEATING article by Wajahat Khan, a “defence analyst” par excellence (or so he would have you believe, if you look at him strutting around on your screen with a self satisfied smirk on his face, the man is nothing if not in love with himself), in which he COMPLETELY shifts blame on others, under the guise of contrition and shame (which he never shows throughout this long drawn bullshit of an article).

For reference, the dude, along with some of his “similarly minded” (read, completely for sale and totally up for grabs for anyone who could give them such a high pay raise) colleagues decided to join a yet to be launched television station called “Bol”, which was owned by Axact. I think it’s enough to say that Axact has always had a dubious reputation and its credibility was COMPLETELY demolished by an…

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A handy list of healthy vegan products in gERMANY

A Vegetarian in Germany

Below are a bunch of random notes about various brands of different products that I’ve tried here in Saarbruecken.

Mexican

Tortillas:

  • tortillas at Rewe (can’t remember the name): decent consistency, reasonable flavor; recommended
  • tortillas at Karstadt (El Fuego brand??):  very dry and flaky, thin, fall apart easily; not recommended
  • Don Enrico tortillas (from Edeka?) were not great, but not awful.
  • er Durum “tortillas” (Turkish store): not too thin, not too thick, not doughy, nice chew, seem to be made from a higher protein flour; hold together well; recommended.  Come in normal, large, and extra large.
  • I ordered blue corn tortillas online from a Mexican grocer. They weren’t cheap but were very tasty!

Tortilla chips:

  • El Fuego Chili Chips at Rewe.  They’re coated with some kind of yellow powder–mostly spices but also some strange stuff that I don’t recognize.  Not much corn flavor.  Not recommended.  2.09 for a small bag.

Salsa:

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Setting fire

March 21, 2015

And if you’re in love, then you are the lucky one,
‘Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I’m forever missing him.

I don’t want to be bitter any more…. but I just don’t know how to do that.

Maybe I can start by lighting her a candle…

DSC_0253e

Three is a crowd….

March 13, 2015

Took this along one of the many rivers of europe, don’t really know which one… does it even matter? I think not!

Enjoy the image and the song…

"Go away and let us be" saod the pigeon in the middle to the one on her right.

“Go away and let us be” said the pigeon in the middle to the one on her right.

Stranger in a Strange land…

February 27, 2015

Oh wow, its been long since I came back here. Thought I would do a small update for any ghosts still reading this blog LOL.

On literally zero public demand, here are your updates:
Worked for two years after my bachelors

Doing Graduate studies in Germany right now as well as working at a huge IT company that shall remain nameless.

Oh and the girl who had me posting all that sad melodramatic love crap, well she got married….. to someone thats NOT me :p

Life is a level X troll. ROFLMAO

Anyway, enjoy the picture… Took this in Maastricht, Nederland. The guy tried selling me and my friend some marijuana and claimed to be a professional pianist. Interesting character.

"I play the piano, this is just to pay the bills"

“I play the piano, this is just to pay the bills”

Remembering Shakeela

November 3, 2013

As I write this I’m sitting in my lawn in clothes that are covered in mud, its 12:51 am and I have just returned from Shakeela’s funeral in Sukhwaal near Fateh jang, the date has now changed to 3rd november 2013.
When someone close to me dies, I have a standard response that kicks in every single time. I shut my self off completely and start going through the motions of what is expected of me, untill the time it is safe for me to break down and be sad in solitude.  
After the funeral, as I walked the labyrinth of streets leading from her ancestral home to where I parked my car outside the village, I still couldnt really believe she had passed. I said goodbye to her father in a dream like state, not really hearing the words of condolence coming out of my own mouth. I was moved to tears when her mom hugged me though and told me to keep visiting her as she sees Shakeela’s face in all her friends, I controlled my self, its not cute watching a huge man like me cry. And at that time it finally hit me, Shakeela really is no more among us.  
Shakeela’s fight against cancer is now well documented through the facebook page “Remembring Shakeela” which was used to raise funds and support for shakeela. Ultimately though it turned out to accomplish so much more than that. The overwhelming support from the FASTian community and complete strangers from around the world was a source of great joy and hope for Shakeela, that is something I know for a fact. She told me once that in the darkest moments of her fight, she visits the page and seeing all the beautifull comments and wall posts make her want to carry on.  
But before cancer, before all the pain and suffering that came with the disease she did have a normal life and right now it seems fitting that I talk about that.  
The first time I ever saw Shakeela was in the ITC class during our first semester at FAST, she was this happy, bubbly little thing dressed in her trademark abaya eager to learn and impress the prof. She had this aura of earnest energy about her, the ability to energise any place she walked into. We immediately became part of a circle of friends which included Ali wiqar, myself, Babur Nawaz, Arsalan Malik and Shehzad Saifullah.During our BS we did a lot of the usual crazy things uni kids do as a group, bunking classes, having impromptu biryani and ice cream parties, fooling the juniors, arranging various events. And believe me some of the most whackiest and mischevious ideas used to come from Shakeela, the thought of which brings a smile to my face to this day :).  
Like the time we bought a stall in the campus funfair and as all the guys in our group happened to be extremly lazy, myself included, we had nothing planned and nothing to sell on the stall. Shakeela came in the morning and saw the empty stall, ordered me to go and buy some charts and markers and came up with same games that people had to pay to play. As a result our stall was one of the highest earners and we blew all the profits on a group dinner.  
She had this way about her that made people come and confide in her. She was the perfect listener, friend and therapist. Whenever we had fights among the group, she was usually the one who made us apologise to each other and made things right again.I can write a million more words recounting all our crazy, happy and sad moments togather but I wont because this is no eulogy, I would leave that to a better writer than me. This is just my way of letting my friend know that I will always miss and remember her. And with the following verses by Kim Thompson I shall conclude My thoughts.

Although unheard I thank you
For always being there
Even when you were bedridden
you always seemed to care  
You meant so much to all of us
you were special and that’s no lie
you brightened up the darkest day
and even the greyest sky  
Many tears I have seen and cried
they have all poured out like rain
I know that you are happy now
Cause you are no longer in pain.    

Goodbye my friend.

Happiness

August 19, 2013

It is such a fleeting thing, happiness. When you have it you don’t realise how important it is for you. It is when you loose it, that essence inside you that lets you see the silver lining in the bleakest of clouds, when you loose that you feel like a leaf free falling into the abyss of despair.
You are in hell now, and you have no idea how long your stay is going to last this time around.
May you never feel THAT.

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you’d gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I’d do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I’m standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you’d gone
And the world spins madly on.

Of good days and bad ones..

January 18, 2012

Hmm Days….for me they basically come in two types:

  1. When I don’t miss you.
  2. When I do…

And for the past 2-3 months they’ve only belonged to the second type.

p.s : I’ll get back to proper blogging once I successfully flush this crap out of my system…